Pitch

        Fear is the most limiting emotion I know. It taints your heart and makes it small; hither and thither is your soul tossed. You cannot simply push this dark figure out, it must be cast out by Humility and only then will it be followed by Joy.

- F

In My Apricot Room

For the past few months I have been putting together a book dummy to send to publishers. If you know me personally you know this, because I talk of little else, since it's what I've been doing day in and day out. I've been scrambling words and pictures together mostly in my little apricot room, with my fluffy cat pawing at my legs or jumping on my lap to "help" me get the job done. When I decided to go on this rather risky enterprise, putting all other forms of job hunting to rest, I tried to fend off all of the anxious feelings welling up inside me; so many things could go wrong. I could end up feeling completely isolated, lonely, and creating something that I would be bored with by the second week.

For the past few years I've had a two major stories rolling around in my head, one about the early life about John Paul II, the other a rewrite of a Russian fairytale with fantastic characters flitting in and out of an ordinary girl's life. I knew that the fairytale had more public appeal, and might pay more than the former. Friends and family both pushed me to write the story of John Paul II, but I had a little more conversing with God before I went for it. I decided that if I was about to launch a career of personal work writing a story about a saint I dearly love would prepare me in a real way to live and draw for God, and be at his complete mercy when it came to trying to publish my first book. And whether it gets published remains to be seen, but more than the joy of putting this all together I have received double the gifts than I thought I would by going with my gut and writing the story of a little Polish boy who would one day be a great Pontiff. For one, as I read books about his life I couldn't help but feel completely overwhelmed and constantly inspired, so much so that sometimes I had to stop between pages and pray. Then when I began to write, my entire family wanted to pitch in and help and edit, and even friends of mine took up my amateur phrases and helped me make something I think is lovely, but even lovelier for all the love that went into it.  Family and friends, continue to be present and attentive to my next crazy email when I can't decide between a purple color scheme or a slightly more blue, but still quite purple one.

Sometimes I get anxious, and I have to turn back to prayer and ask Blessed Pope John Paul if he likes it and God my Father to bless it. This time has really been a time of love and even though I will be disappointed if it never gets published, I don't think one moment was ill spent on this project. And thanks be to Heaven, I'm still so far from bored, it's ridiculous. I'm just about to draw out of the cover, the finishing touch to the pitch, and then it will be a whole other game as I knock on publishers doors. This time has made me realize how truly blessed I am in this little apricot room with my fluffy cat and my crucifix hanging above my bed.

The Beauty of Now

Today is not yesterday.

 
You cannot change your past by thinking about it over and over again, reliving details in your head, thinking about how it could have been different. Your past cannot be changed, but your soul can be cleansed and healed. In time God can take the past and make something good out of it, but the past does not change because it doesn't need to. If God needed to change the past to heal you he would, but he doesn't so it remains. When Christ came, died and rose he promised the forgiveness of sins and the redemption of the world and you are part of that world. But he did not come to change your past, he came to redeem it. The Beauty comes in seeing how his mercy takes the darkness and turns it into light. He loves you with abandon. He cares about the sins that plague you at night and the ghosts of people who turn your stomach over. He cares, but he will not change your past because he honors the free choices you made, but if you are willing he will take you out of your bad choices and bring you to a better, brighter Now.

Now. Today. This Moment. Him and You. You and the world.

You are called to the Joy and Mercy of Today.


"Though time is too precious to waste, it must never be thought that what was lost is irretrievable. Once the Divine is introduced, there comes the opportunity to make up for losses. God is the God of the second chance." - Archbishop Fulton Sheen

7 Quick Takes Friday (vol. 16)

Very, verily busy day.

I will try to give some cogent updates.

-1-

Recently, I had one of those days known by all humans at some point I hope — it consoles me to think so — where I just had an overwhelming disgust and disappointment in myself. Maybe that doesn't happen to you? Well, you must have transcended that temptation by the firmness in your foundation built on the knowledge that God loves The-Person-You-Are, even if you have not yet become The-Person-You-Ought-To-Be.

All these very nice truths were somewhere else while my view became smaller and smaller, darker and scarier. The-Person-God-Wants-Me-To-Be didn't seem all that great and rewarding. A friend called me "thoughtful." I thought, how horrible I'm "thoughtful." I want to be witty and dazzling and preeeeeetty. Nobody will love me and want me for being thoughtful. Nobody cares about being thoughtful. Apparently, it mattered to my friend, but I was too far gone in my muddled headspace. I've written about this battle within the mind to understand where true worth comes from before, so I'll spare you the coming back to sanity details. The only reason I'm mentioning this is that I've been reading a little bit about the philosophical writings JPII formulated on Humanism. During Vatican II he was trying to answer the world's major questions about the nature of the human person. He thought there was a intense need to fight against the widespread ideology that a person's worth was measured by how useful they are to me — utilitarianism— by demonstrating that a human being's value is intrinsic and God-given. And as I've said before, once one is free from trying to gain one's worth by being "useful" one is free to pursue truth and receive grace in order to become The-Person-I-Ought-To-Be and become a self-donating gift to God, Others and Yourself (which is pretty "useful" in the truest sense). Sometimes my vision is narrow, and I do not understand how I am supposed to make a gift of myself without loosing myself. I don't understand how that doesn't lead to misery. The idea of giving myself up entirely to God is terrifying, and he is perfect and awesome. But I know that this "giving" is not the kind of service often equated with Doormat Syndrome. It is much more radical than that. It is service that calls you to act in the most loving way in each circumstance of your life and that love can be manifested in many ways. It might call you to say No or Yes, to stay or to leave. The Image of Self-Gift is Our Lord: "It is in God the Holy Trinity, a "community" of self-giving "persons" who lose nothing of their uniqueness in their radical self-giving, that we see confirmed the Law of Gift and the truth about freedom as freedom-for-self donation." (Witness to Hope, WEIGEL, pg. 176). And it is in prayer that I hope He will teach me to know His Truth better and hopefully, help me become a Good Gift that bears His Love to others. Yay Hurray! To End:

The Love of God is the The Love that sets us free from fear in order to Love, to become true gifts to creation. In freedom we have the ability to seek and meet truth and become truly ourselves; deeply human and amazed by the Grace that animates us.

- 2 -

Hi! If you skipped that paragraph you have to work on your attention-span skills or I have to work on my ability to reach readers with my quasi-confusing reasoning :D Either way I'm happy you are still here! My cat, Toulouse is huge and sometimes I use him when I do squats.... it is very effective.

- 3 -

Anytime I take a trip somewhere I flirt with the city and tell it I will move there soon. But after I'm gone my flaky heart comes to the surface and my promise of forever becomes a maybe.

- 4 -

I was fresh out of ideas of what the heck to to write, when I remembered this anecdote Jason Evert tosses around in his talks and books: 

"In high school, I (Jason) knew I had met my soulmate. We went to a few dances together and I could envision myself with her forever. Today, she's married to a friend of mine. In college, I met a girl and never felt so strongly about a woman before. We dated... until she broke up with me and later married a friend of mine. Then, I met the girl I knew I was going to marry. We knew we were soulmates. We dated for years, talked about marriage, and even tried on wedding rings. But I broke up with her, and she —you guessed it— married a friend of mine. Then, I met another girl and absolutely knew in my heart that she was the one. We dated for years, and talked to her parents about marriage. But we didn't end up marrying. In case you are wondering, she also married a friend of mine... The reason I gave this litany of relationships is to prove that you can't judge the future of a relationship by the intensity of your emotions... Therefore, it is wise to reserve for marriage the forms of affection that belong to it."

- 5 -

This is a freebee since there have been TWO long updates.

- 6 -

This freelance thing is pretty great. If I want to go out and run right now I can!!!

- 7 -

Korra is NOT on Netflix anymore. Mad.

~
Please Visit Jen @ Conversion Diary

Lost and Found

God, The Devil and My Inferiority Complex Part 2

Most sorrow, particularly the despairing type makes it’s home in my heart when I forget who I am and what I was born to be. However, it is in this pit of muck and grim and self-pity that I often rediscover some very precious truths and discover some new joys as well.

The disquieting of my heart begins when I befriend an idol with which I’ve now decided I will measure the value of my life. Today it might be my art, tomorrow my popularity, but it doesn’t matter which one I pick the result is the same: despair. Inevitably I fail at one of my pursuits or am outshone or I realize I'm just normal. I mindlessly go through a list of things I could measure my worth against, grasping at air. You would think I’d snap out of it or at least not fall into the same snare twice, but I’m simple and the weaknesses I fight are usually the same day in and day out.

Despair comes when I decide I’m not good enough; I am not valuable.

I realize there is some kind of lie in all of this matter at some point. I look at the people around me and see how valuable they are. I don’t understand why I can’t see my own value.

The devil is fighting really hard at this point to keep me in darkness. St. Michael is whacking him on the head.

Finally, as usual I ask Jesus a question: “Lord, what have I forgotten?”

That I love you with a burning Love so great that all those little things that burden you are consumed, if you only had eyes to see.

All of a sudden I start getting a vision of this girl that God loves. The only thing about the image that matters is that God loves her and that she loves.

And then I remember: My only lot in life is to allow God to consume me so that it is no longer I who live but Christ who lives in me. Everything else is detail.

Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Holy Spirit.

~
Update:
So right after I finished this entry I went over to my kitchen counter to go through my mail. I received a sweet letter from my friend, M and she tucked in a prayer card that says: "God wants to reach out to others through your hands. He wants to speak to others through your lips, and God wants others to look into your eyes and see Him...Give God persmission..."- John Cardinal O'Connor. Tangible confirmation. Just the way I like it.

My Inferiority Complex, The Devil and God

I have yet to meet somebody whom at some point of his or her life has not tried to compensate for qualities he or she is lacking. For my entire life I have used my facility in the arts to boost the self-esteem that was slowly depleted as I realized I couldn’t compete for praise in other areas. First I realized that I wasn’t society’s ideal of physical beauty, so as I covered up my thighs and looked at my nose in the mirror, I thought at least I can draw. In middle school I was top of my class without even trying, but throughout High school and college excelling in academics became harder and harder, until every so often I felt dumb. I felt awkward at large parties; I had no idea how popular people enraptured an audience. But still I told myself at least I can paint. When all my cousins and friends began to have steady boyfriends and get married, I’d think, I’ve been gifted; I can draw.

So as you can expect the days when I couldn’t quite paint what I wanted and “worse” when the very ideas and worlds I wanted to convey were done more beautifully and effortlessly by close friends of mine, I felt very, very small. I dreaded being compared, I dreaded being glanced over. I dreaded having nothing to offer. At that moment I felt ugly, dumb, unloved, and not good enough. And worse I felt sorry for myself. I had all the comforts in the world, but I felt empty. On top of it all I was ungrateful. I hated myself.

~

It is a terribly thing to be caught in so great a lie. The devil, I am convinced, loves using small insecurities to create obsessions over things that are lies. For in fact I am not the most beautiful, but often people remark that I am pretty. I might not be able to debate with great wit and write with ease, but I’m most certainly not dumb. I might not have a boyfriend, but I feel truly loved by others. And yes, I’m not the best artist, but I’m pretty darn good.

How is it then that every once in a while I found myself in a deep well of insecurity, feeling so small like I had nothing to offer?

Well, there are several ways to get to that awful place and I’m going to tell you my theories. I’m pretty sure I’m right. The lies you believe might be different, but maybe you’ve experienced something similar.

The Devil lost me long ago, but he is still around looking at any moment to get me back. He is not an idiot he knows that I’m no longer (usually) drawn into serious sin when I am weak, so he has to take a few extra steps. He’s crossed off a few choices that he can’t coax me into anymore, because I know they won’t make me happy. I know they’re sugarcoated poison. But I’m still sensitive and often insecure and that’s all he needs to work with.

The key for the evil one’s plan is now even subtler. He will make me believe that by pursuing and fulfilling the ideals of beauty, fame, intelligence, popularity and romance I will become a whole and worthy person. Only then will this insecurity fade. After all, wanting to be attractive, acknowledged, smart and well liked aren’t bad things. The word ‘sin’ doesn’t immediately come to mind…

In retrospect, I realize that I’ve been coaxed and that I’ve listened.

…So go my dear, pursue these things for look at yourself, young men are now used to looking upon perfect women, you wouldn’t want to disappoint. Nobody will every take you seriously if you can’t match their knowledge of history, and look how alone you felt during all those parties, better work on that too. It is wise for you to worry about the future; you don’t want to come home to an empty house every night, do you? Now, don’t look so sad my dear, at least you are doing well with your art, but isn’t it too bad that you are still second-rate. Oh I know you get plenty of praise, but you’re still just not there. Just compare yourself. Compare yourself.

Now where is My Lord and My God in all of this?
He is waiting for my ear and heart to turn His Way and ask two very important questions. “Who am I?” and then, “What do you want of me?”.

But until I ask those questions, I find myself trying to get out of that spiral by devising plans to achieve all those goals. And the Devil is gleeful, because I have forgotten who I am and the God who loves me. These goals will never be achieved because there is always something more to covet. His lie is alive.

I know this sounds silly. But I have many friends who start tearing up because they think they don’t look good in a bathing suit, or because they are not talented enough, or smart enough. As the outsider and the friend you think they’re crazy! They’re so valuable and kind and creative. What are they talking about? You might think it’s a good idea to slap them out of such on obvious falsehood. It’s always obvious when it’s someone else.

The longer you persist in conversation with the evil one the harder it is to stop. But STOP, and turn your eyes to the heavens and call out to Jesus and ask Him, “Who am I?”And He’ll say quick and loud as thunder, “ You are my beloved daughter”, “You are my beloved son”. Then ask, “What is it you want of me?” And He’ll say, in some way or another, “Your heart; all that you are. Be perfect as my Father in heaven is perfect.”

Stay with Him there.

In that quiet I’ve seen my true self as God’s beloved daughter called to true goodness, to true perfection. Perfect looks so different in God’s eyes, and is so much more exciting!

Do not be afraid to ask! Ask often, I forget all the time.

Most people think that if they give their hearts to God they will have to forget about everything else, but the truth is once you put your confidence in God and not in yourself and what others say you must be going about your life becomes joyful, because your are no longer on an anxious pursuit to become worthy of love. Living with God is living in reality; a land of truth where all the smallest lies are brought into the light.

~

The pursuit of SELF-esteem is a distorted, winding journey, because truly we are looking for confidence in something perfect that can’t be ourselves because we are flawed. We inevitably fall into either arrogance: believing we are more than we are or self-loathing: believing we are less than we are. No wonder humility is so hard to come by and so highly prized. The humble man is so calm, so unshaken by the affairs of the world and the whispers he might hear. The humble man knows who he is and what is expected of him. He only weeps when God weeps.