7 Quick Takes Friday (vol. 16)

Very, verily busy day.

I will try to give some cogent updates.

-1-

Recently, I had one of those days known by all humans at some point I hope — it consoles me to think so — where I just had an overwhelming disgust and disappointment in myself. Maybe that doesn't happen to you? Well, you must have transcended that temptation by the firmness in your foundation built on the knowledge that God loves The-Person-You-Are, even if you have not yet become The-Person-You-Ought-To-Be.

All these very nice truths were somewhere else while my view became smaller and smaller, darker and scarier. The-Person-God-Wants-Me-To-Be didn't seem all that great and rewarding. A friend called me "thoughtful." I thought, how horrible I'm "thoughtful." I want to be witty and dazzling and preeeeeetty. Nobody will love me and want me for being thoughtful. Nobody cares about being thoughtful. Apparently, it mattered to my friend, but I was too far gone in my muddled headspace. I've written about this battle within the mind to understand where true worth comes from before, so I'll spare you the coming back to sanity details. The only reason I'm mentioning this is that I've been reading a little bit about the philosophical writings JPII formulated on Humanism. During Vatican II he was trying to answer the world's major questions about the nature of the human person. He thought there was a intense need to fight against the widespread ideology that a person's worth was measured by how useful they are to me — utilitarianism— by demonstrating that a human being's value is intrinsic and God-given. And as I've said before, once one is free from trying to gain one's worth by being "useful" one is free to pursue truth and receive grace in order to become The-Person-I-Ought-To-Be and become a self-donating gift to God, Others and Yourself (which is pretty "useful" in the truest sense). Sometimes my vision is narrow, and I do not understand how I am supposed to make a gift of myself without loosing myself. I don't understand how that doesn't lead to misery. The idea of giving myself up entirely to God is terrifying, and he is perfect and awesome. But I know that this "giving" is not the kind of service often equated with Doormat Syndrome. It is much more radical than that. It is service that calls you to act in the most loving way in each circumstance of your life and that love can be manifested in many ways. It might call you to say No or Yes, to stay or to leave. The Image of Self-Gift is Our Lord: "It is in God the Holy Trinity, a "community" of self-giving "persons" who lose nothing of their uniqueness in their radical self-giving, that we see confirmed the Law of Gift and the truth about freedom as freedom-for-self donation." (Witness to Hope, WEIGEL, pg. 176). And it is in prayer that I hope He will teach me to know His Truth better and hopefully, help me become a Good Gift that bears His Love to others. Yay Hurray! To End:

The Love of God is the The Love that sets us free from fear in order to Love, to become true gifts to creation. In freedom we have the ability to seek and meet truth and become truly ourselves; deeply human and amazed by the Grace that animates us.

- 2 -

Hi! If you skipped that paragraph you have to work on your attention-span skills or I have to work on my ability to reach readers with my quasi-confusing reasoning :D Either way I'm happy you are still here! My cat, Toulouse is huge and sometimes I use him when I do squats.... it is very effective.

- 3 -

Anytime I take a trip somewhere I flirt with the city and tell it I will move there soon. But after I'm gone my flaky heart comes to the surface and my promise of forever becomes a maybe.

- 4 -

I was fresh out of ideas of what the heck to to write, when I remembered this anecdote Jason Evert tosses around in his talks and books: 

"In high school, I (Jason) knew I had met my soulmate. We went to a few dances together and I could envision myself with her forever. Today, she's married to a friend of mine. In college, I met a girl and never felt so strongly about a woman before. We dated... until she broke up with me and later married a friend of mine. Then, I met the girl I knew I was going to marry. We knew we were soulmates. We dated for years, talked about marriage, and even tried on wedding rings. But I broke up with her, and she —you guessed it— married a friend of mine. Then, I met another girl and absolutely knew in my heart that she was the one. We dated for years, and talked to her parents about marriage. But we didn't end up marrying. In case you are wondering, she also married a friend of mine... The reason I gave this litany of relationships is to prove that you can't judge the future of a relationship by the intensity of your emotions... Therefore, it is wise to reserve for marriage the forms of affection that belong to it."

- 5 -

This is a freebee since there have been TWO long updates.

- 6 -

This freelance thing is pretty great. If I want to go out and run right now I can!!!

- 7 -

Korra is NOT on Netflix anymore. Mad.

~
Please Visit Jen @ Conversion Diary

In the Land of Life and Death

In the throngs of unemployment I’ve been thinking a lot about endings and beginnings, pain and joy, purification and sanctity. Not because I’m having such a terribly time but small pains lead the mind to bigger pains and free time leads to meandering thoughts which compile into blog entries.

There have been times that I felt deep depression and sorrow with little to no relief. I could only see and feel the poison in my veins which deprived me of the strength and the ability to feel The Joy I knew held me. It was always in retrospect that I understood what was happening then. My God was sucking the poison from my veins and I cried and cried because it hurt and just when I thought it would be over it continued and I cried and cried, “My God why have you abandoned me?” It seemed I could only cry the first words of Psalm 22 and not continue. I didn’t know that this pain was necessary because it was healing things I never knew needed to be healed in order for me to have Life. The more I squirmed and tossed the more the process hurt, but as I let Him simply do what He had to I realized that I could breathe a little easier every day and that I began to experience the Joy mixed in with the Pain of letting God have His way with me.

One of the things He continues to try to take away is the idea that I know what is best for me and that I know what will truly fulfill my life. Those ideas I make up are very precious to me. I have them tightly woven into dreams in which every detail is played out and I present them to God saying, “Isn’t it beautiful the life I’ve thought up?” I say that I don’t mind what His Will is that it’s okay for Him to make of my life what He wishes, but I don’t really mean that. More often than not I make myself believe that I raised and pampered those dreams in the presence of God when really I hid myself in the closet, concocted them so that nothing could be poked or prodded until the masterful scheme of my life was completed. It is only then that I would present it, speak highly of it, say thy will be done and then go back to looking at my creation dreamily.

I am so attached to this dream or that dream that when it is brutally taken away the attachment I had to it is all too clear and the superficiality of my abandonment to God comes to light. It is afterwards that I enter into grief and the only way to have the grief bear fruit is to be willing to let God teach me who I am and what I truly desire more fully. He may not let me know right away because first and foremost he will teach me that what I truly want is to trust God with my whole heart and that every moment after the loss I have to choose to want him more than the company of my grief. He wants me to choose to give him the thoughts and actions of my present moment and not let my thoughts wander to the regret of the past and fear of the future, which can rob Him and me of so much glory.

The Devil surrounds all of us with our fears and regrets right before we take a leap to glorify God by living the present generously and boldly while carrying our burden. The carrying of a pain or loss does not exempt joy from daily life. Forget the flightiness of the happy and seek the depth of the joyful. Joy is rooted in Christ who is unmovable and declares suffering transformative and death conquered. This is why our burdens can be transformed and become both light and heavy. Heavy because a good lost should always be mourned, but light because it’s loss is not the end of Good. In the end if we are faithful we will experience All Good and be good ourselves. No longer burdened by our own weaknesses or the fallen world. The realist, the Christian knows this and so he mourns deeply but also laughs deeply because through this great battle of good and evil in a land both dotted with beauty and danger there is a Lord who is our ultimate end. Pain will end and Light and Wonder and Love will abound. I’d rather be awake and know I am a soldier with a Lord who I belong to and will have my rest in than be asleep and suddenly awake in surprise to find suffering with no knowledge of a cure. Christ is the cure to all our afflictions whether we can run, crawl or barely breathe.

To partake in the Divine Life is an honor, both extraordinary and ordinary. Every moment in life is tinged with a wisp of the wonderful and the mundane. The reality I clung to in the infancy of my life with God was a warped vision now made clearer by His Grace. The reality emerging before me is far more fantastic and terrifying than I imagined at the beginning of my spiritual journey. I realized that I have no control over my life except for my ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to Him and that truth is just shy of overwhelming. Sometimes my 'yes' is joyful, other times is it's painful. I am at the mercy of his Grace.  I suspect that the more I become like Him Who Sees Most Clearly the wonders and terrors of the world will explode into images I could not have taken in without being blinded with my younger eyes.

One of the aspects of the Christian life is becoming more and more familiar with reality. You become neither a pessimist that proclaims all things shot to hell or an optimist who shoves hell under the carpet and pretends the room is perfectly safe. As a Christian becomes more and more like Jesus and knows him more intimately he becomes acquainted with the most sumptuous joy but also the darkness of death, the pain of suffering. You cannot know Christ and put on his life and likeness without knowing death. He said himself to find your life you must lose it (Mt 10:34-39). This abstract idea was brought to light when Jesus lost his life and found it. He was dejected and killed to show us that by embracing God’s will, even our death we will find ourselves resurrected. Jesus is the proof that sin can be conquered, that death is not the end. Life comes by laying down one’s life, and if He gave himself up to the short mercy of men why shouldn’t we give ourselves up to the limitless mercy of God?

Shaken

So do you want to bear the savior of our world? I know it's last minute, but it would be great if you said, yes. 

The other day I woke up and my life was on it's head, not to the point of insanity but God definitely shook up the snow globe fondly called "Fabi's Life". When my friend, Leah Darrow was little her grandfather was shot and his house was burnt to the ground. Her mother and father upon hearing this horrible news took all their children, including Leah to Mass. And I've always remembered that part of her witness.

So even though my life wasn't struck with a tragedy of that nature, it was still a terrible week. I  knew I would find hope at Mass right in front of my eyes. I had no words so to look and receive and have Him hold me was all I could do. The homilies and readings this week cut me to core. It felt like God was talking only to me.

Gospel May 18, 2012
 Jesus said to his disciples:

"Amen, amen, I say to you, you will weep and mourn, while the world rejoices; you will grieve, but your grief will become joy. When a woman is in labor, she is in anguish because her hour has arrived; but when she has given birth to a child, she no longer remembers the pain because of her joy that a child has been born into the world. So you also are now in anguish. But I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy away from you. On that day you will not question me about anything. Amen, amen, I say to you, whatever you ask the Father in my name he will give you."

John 16:20-23

So even in the midst of uncertainty God is doing things with my heart and mind and for that I am grateful. I am grateful for the blessing of turning twenty-five, my loving family and friends and for this adorable kitten which will be coming home soon! 

It is good to have life shake beneath your feet because it reminds you that nothing is certain or secure except the love and salvation that God offers and the life found in him. He wants us to remember that because that is reality, a reality that saves us if we realize and embrace it. It frees us from thinking that our value and security lies in the world and relationships that come and go. He giveth and he taketh away not to hurt us but to free us in the end: to love without fear, to work without vainglory and to live for His will alone. 

I love you all who've felt the ground shake this week!

Lost and Found

God, The Devil and My Inferiority Complex Part 2

Most sorrow, particularly the despairing type makes it’s home in my heart when I forget who I am and what I was born to be. However, it is in this pit of muck and grim and self-pity that I often rediscover some very precious truths and discover some new joys as well.

The disquieting of my heart begins when I befriend an idol with which I’ve now decided I will measure the value of my life. Today it might be my art, tomorrow my popularity, but it doesn’t matter which one I pick the result is the same: despair. Inevitably I fail at one of my pursuits or am outshone or I realize I'm just normal. I mindlessly go through a list of things I could measure my worth against, grasping at air. You would think I’d snap out of it or at least not fall into the same snare twice, but I’m simple and the weaknesses I fight are usually the same day in and day out.

Despair comes when I decide I’m not good enough; I am not valuable.

I realize there is some kind of lie in all of this matter at some point. I look at the people around me and see how valuable they are. I don’t understand why I can’t see my own value.

The devil is fighting really hard at this point to keep me in darkness. St. Michael is whacking him on the head.

Finally, as usual I ask Jesus a question: “Lord, what have I forgotten?”

That I love you with a burning Love so great that all those little things that burden you are consumed, if you only had eyes to see.

All of a sudden I start getting a vision of this girl that God loves. The only thing about the image that matters is that God loves her and that she loves.

And then I remember: My only lot in life is to allow God to consume me so that it is no longer I who live but Christ who lives in me. Everything else is detail.

Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Holy Spirit.

~
Update:
So right after I finished this entry I went over to my kitchen counter to go through my mail. I received a sweet letter from my friend, M and she tucked in a prayer card that says: "God wants to reach out to others through your hands. He wants to speak to others through your lips, and God wants others to look into your eyes and see Him...Give God persmission..."- John Cardinal O'Connor. Tangible confirmation. Just the way I like it.

Be Silent or Be Lost

For a young woman the season of her mid-twenties is a time of adventure. Whether it’s marriage, travel, the first big job there is nothing so strange as leaving that familiar time of homework and test taking to place that is so unstructured. This of course doesn’t mean the end of school, but it is a the time when the things you are expected to do: school then college are done and there are a myriad of acceptable (and non-acceptable things to do).

Occasionally, there is regret about the adventure taken. A young wife regrets not traveling or working before she married. A career-driven girl sighs at the big “0” on her answering machine. The young woman trying to get her masters regretfully declines another invitation to go home for the holidays. The free spirit wonders what life would be like if she’d settled down with her old beau.

As with everything it is never too late to begin listening. When you invite God’s insight and love into your life he begins to work with you and work with what you’ve got despite all the bumps in the road.

The young wife is inspired to take a part time job at the local bakery whipping up croissants she learned to make because her husband fell in love with them during their honeymoon in Paris.

Miss. My Job Is My Life starts to say ‘yes’ when Lucy, her co-worker asks her to go out with the girls for a drink, and soon comes to realize she’s learned to care for each one of them.

The life-long student lets go of her pride and calls her stepdad for some help on her paper on [some big topic I never wrote about] and ends up deciding to buy a ticket to go home the next weekend for some R&R.

I Go Where the Wind Takes Me, faces her fear of being the one left behind and decides to stay in Tokyo, Japan for at least a year to think about what she really wants at the end of the day… to really listen.

Every girl feels the fear of not living up to the picture of the loved, successful, smart and adventurous woman in their head. This woman has it all together, she beams. She is so unlike the girl that hits the snooze button three times and can’t remember if she watered the plants this week.

If there is one thing I’ve learned about life with God is the ability to listen to Him is built up with prayer and prayer can only happen in silence and that silence is unwelcome. Silence is unwelcome by many things. It is unwelcome by the Devil because he knows that in silence you will be forced to look at your life and that means you will run to God for help. Silence is unwelcome by our hip modern time that allows us to be plugged in 24/7 so that we don’t fall behind of all the hip stuff that our friends have probably already heard about.

And Silence in unwelcome by me, because it makes me uncomfortable to see the things I’m ashamed of and the things that bring me pain. The first step to become free of those things is acknowledging them and it is the hardest part. Once you have given it all to God it’s all much more pleasant.

A couple of days ago I resolved to go cleaning about my apartment in silence, which is very hard for me. I live alone and I like noise in the background. I go through many, many audiobooks, movies and music throughout the week. I realized that it was partially because I enjoyed it but also because it numbed parts of my heart that hurt and because there was an was uncomfortable uncertainty about how my life was going and where it was headed. Not unlike those four women I talked about earlier. Sure I prayed for few times a day but I never let God seep in through a long silence. Seeing how Jesus is the Lord of my life and I’d been telling him how much more I wished to love Him I figured I’d do the brave thing and create some quiet where I could listen and just be with Him so I figured housework time was a good place to start.

It was very uncomfortable for the first ten minutes. I wanted the noise back. I focused on the way I picked things up and their correct placement. That brought me pleasure, straightening things out. I liked the idea of having a clean home. I looked out the window and focused on the outline of the clouds and the rooftops that blurred together as the sun set behind them. ‘How lovely, Lord’ I thought. And then I felt peace, with a few words here and there as I cleaned I loved Him and I loved the task He had given me. I was His servant and He was my King.

When you listen things change, but when you rest more time in that silence you begin to have the courage to live because you feel loved.


Whether you are one or a combination of the wife, working girl, eternal student or freedom-seeker you will at times feel like there is something lacking in your life, like you aren’t whole because others have gifts and people in their lives that you don’t but if you take the time to listen to the deepest desires of your hearts you will find peace in what you have been given and courage to keep hoping for what you don’t. But even better you will get to know Him, who sees you with more love than you will ever be able to see yourself.


-Fabi

My Inferiority Complex, The Devil and God

I have yet to meet somebody whom at some point of his or her life has not tried to compensate for qualities he or she is lacking. For my entire life I have used my facility in the arts to boost the self-esteem that was slowly depleted as I realized I couldn’t compete for praise in other areas. First I realized that I wasn’t society’s ideal of physical beauty, so as I covered up my thighs and looked at my nose in the mirror, I thought at least I can draw. In middle school I was top of my class without even trying, but throughout High school and college excelling in academics became harder and harder, until every so often I felt dumb. I felt awkward at large parties; I had no idea how popular people enraptured an audience. But still I told myself at least I can paint. When all my cousins and friends began to have steady boyfriends and get married, I’d think, I’ve been gifted; I can draw.

So as you can expect the days when I couldn’t quite paint what I wanted and “worse” when the very ideas and worlds I wanted to convey were done more beautifully and effortlessly by close friends of mine, I felt very, very small. I dreaded being compared, I dreaded being glanced over. I dreaded having nothing to offer. At that moment I felt ugly, dumb, unloved, and not good enough. And worse I felt sorry for myself. I had all the comforts in the world, but I felt empty. On top of it all I was ungrateful. I hated myself.

~

It is a terribly thing to be caught in so great a lie. The devil, I am convinced, loves using small insecurities to create obsessions over things that are lies. For in fact I am not the most beautiful, but often people remark that I am pretty. I might not be able to debate with great wit and write with ease, but I’m most certainly not dumb. I might not have a boyfriend, but I feel truly loved by others. And yes, I’m not the best artist, but I’m pretty darn good.

How is it then that every once in a while I found myself in a deep well of insecurity, feeling so small like I had nothing to offer?

Well, there are several ways to get to that awful place and I’m going to tell you my theories. I’m pretty sure I’m right. The lies you believe might be different, but maybe you’ve experienced something similar.

The Devil lost me long ago, but he is still around looking at any moment to get me back. He is not an idiot he knows that I’m no longer (usually) drawn into serious sin when I am weak, so he has to take a few extra steps. He’s crossed off a few choices that he can’t coax me into anymore, because I know they won’t make me happy. I know they’re sugarcoated poison. But I’m still sensitive and often insecure and that’s all he needs to work with.

The key for the evil one’s plan is now even subtler. He will make me believe that by pursuing and fulfilling the ideals of beauty, fame, intelligence, popularity and romance I will become a whole and worthy person. Only then will this insecurity fade. After all, wanting to be attractive, acknowledged, smart and well liked aren’t bad things. The word ‘sin’ doesn’t immediately come to mind…

In retrospect, I realize that I’ve been coaxed and that I’ve listened.

…So go my dear, pursue these things for look at yourself, young men are now used to looking upon perfect women, you wouldn’t want to disappoint. Nobody will every take you seriously if you can’t match their knowledge of history, and look how alone you felt during all those parties, better work on that too. It is wise for you to worry about the future; you don’t want to come home to an empty house every night, do you? Now, don’t look so sad my dear, at least you are doing well with your art, but isn’t it too bad that you are still second-rate. Oh I know you get plenty of praise, but you’re still just not there. Just compare yourself. Compare yourself.

Now where is My Lord and My God in all of this?
He is waiting for my ear and heart to turn His Way and ask two very important questions. “Who am I?” and then, “What do you want of me?”.

But until I ask those questions, I find myself trying to get out of that spiral by devising plans to achieve all those goals. And the Devil is gleeful, because I have forgotten who I am and the God who loves me. These goals will never be achieved because there is always something more to covet. His lie is alive.

I know this sounds silly. But I have many friends who start tearing up because they think they don’t look good in a bathing suit, or because they are not talented enough, or smart enough. As the outsider and the friend you think they’re crazy! They’re so valuable and kind and creative. What are they talking about? You might think it’s a good idea to slap them out of such on obvious falsehood. It’s always obvious when it’s someone else.

The longer you persist in conversation with the evil one the harder it is to stop. But STOP, and turn your eyes to the heavens and call out to Jesus and ask Him, “Who am I?”And He’ll say quick and loud as thunder, “ You are my beloved daughter”, “You are my beloved son”. Then ask, “What is it you want of me?” And He’ll say, in some way or another, “Your heart; all that you are. Be perfect as my Father in heaven is perfect.”

Stay with Him there.

In that quiet I’ve seen my true self as God’s beloved daughter called to true goodness, to true perfection. Perfect looks so different in God’s eyes, and is so much more exciting!

Do not be afraid to ask! Ask often, I forget all the time.

Most people think that if they give their hearts to God they will have to forget about everything else, but the truth is once you put your confidence in God and not in yourself and what others say you must be going about your life becomes joyful, because your are no longer on an anxious pursuit to become worthy of love. Living with God is living in reality; a land of truth where all the smallest lies are brought into the light.

~

The pursuit of SELF-esteem is a distorted, winding journey, because truly we are looking for confidence in something perfect that can’t be ourselves because we are flawed. We inevitably fall into either arrogance: believing we are more than we are or self-loathing: believing we are less than we are. No wonder humility is so hard to come by and so highly prized. The humble man is so calm, so unshaken by the affairs of the world and the whispers he might hear. The humble man knows who he is and what is expected of him. He only weeps when God weeps.